I’m struggling, really struggling at the moment. It was my birthday during the week, it often difficult for me. It reminds me of time passing, the loss I’ve experienced and so much more.

I have been sleeping too much, eating too much and I cannot seem to feel anything positive. The intrusive thoughts are getting pretty dark and are starting to win. Every conversation is a battle.

The most frustrating thing of all is that the change I need, diet, health etc. keeps alluding me. No matter how hard a try, something comes along and derails me. Work keeps getting in the way, my health affects exercise. I feel like I just cannot make any +ve progress.

I honestly am struggling to imagine that I will ever be ‘normal’ or happy again.

On Monday, I’ll be back at work, my colleagues will want to know if I had a good week off. To which the simple answer is; No, I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts, and dealing with you lot is one of my triggers, but that won’t happen. Being British I shall reply with “Yes, it was fine”. I’m sick of fine.

Why can’t I be happy? More importantly, why won’t I let myself be happy, why can’t I just deal with things.

I’m hoping that by blogging this it might free me of some of the thoughts, give me 5 mins of peace. We’ll see. Its helped before, please let it help me again.

I see my therapist on Monday evening. I need him to understand I need help at a faster rate. I’m tired.