It’s not cancer!

The tumour (yes, it is a tumour) is benign and therefore not considered as a Cancer. It still needs removing and retesting, which is run of the mill. But, it’s not cancer, I should feel relieved.

So why don’t I feel amazing

I hadn’t figured on this outcome, I’d not prepared myself. I knew what I’d do if it had been bad news, I’d planned for the bottle of whisky and the accompanying hangover. It was going to be easy, I’d get blotto and call in sick for a few days. But, It’s not cancer, I don’t know what I’ll do. You see people on TV showing such powerful emotion after the news, but that’s not in my nature, I don’t know how to express joy.

So what do I do now?

Once again I’m stuck with no idea of what I will do, How I will get better and the worry that I can’t change. I think I need to get in some serious time with my therapist. I need to learn how to be me. I’ve been ill for so long, its easier to define my self as ill, and incapable, rather than deal with getting back into the swing of things.

But, I don’t know how to make myself happy.

I don’t like being miserable, but suffering from depression has become my normal state. Feeling upbeat just leaves my worrying about what’s going to hit me next. It’s a horrible way to live, as nothing positive leaves a lasting good memory. It’s just worry, after worry ,after worry.

So, it’s time to have a deep think.

About my life, my weight, my appearance, how I dress, how alone I feel and how I can change things. Things have to change or I may as well just drift off gracefully. Change is good, but it’s scary. Going to a comedy event on my own yesterday was the sort of change I can deal with. Hopefully the more I ‘get out there‘ the better life will be.

Public Transport

Right now though, the main thought going through my head is the smell of the chips the school girl is eating in front of me on the bus. They smell truly revolting. Like the worst fairground chips, but covered in piss. God knows why she’s continuing to eat them!