I dont like Fridays. Tell me why?
stick (one’s) nose in(to) (something)
To involve oneself in an intrusive or nosy manner into something that is not one’s business or responsibility. stick nose into
On Friday one of my colleagues decided that it was a good time to try and talk to me about my health and depression. I am sure that she feels frustrated that I don’t want to talk to people at work about my health. I can sum up the discussion as “I am frustrated, you don’t talk to me, people are worried about you, things don’t work without you. I only do this job because I like working with you.“
The whole episode made me angry, sad, and probably had the reverse effect that she had intended.
The conversation summed up something that part of my depression fixates over. I’m letting people down. It also angered me, because if she brought up salary, apparently I earn more than her, she’s a salesperson and only gets the commission when we sell, she inferred that because I’m unwell its hindering her lifestyle, I ‘m sorry, but thats not something I care to give a flying f*ck about.
I am sure that some of this reaction is coloured by my depression and the current stress of waiting for a diagnosis. Yes, I do feel like I let people down, but from what I’ve learned about myself over the last few years, if I didn’t have off days where I just need to hide in bed, then I’d break. I can feel when the dark thoughts are starting to win.
If I tried to talk to my colleague about the dark thoughts, I am 100% sure that she’d not be able to handle it. I know I can’t sometimes. There is only so far ‘lucky‘ ‘normal‘ people can deal with the reality some of us live.
If they understood how surprised I am that I am coping so well with the potential diagnosis they’d be more understanding. If ‘they‘ knew all of the other factors involved in my current thought process; How the Avascular Necrosis effects my life, how I have to hide it at work because I worry I’ll be ‘medically retired‘, How I feel trapped in a life tainted by ill health, poor mental health, loneliness and despair. If they could comprehend then…
THEY WOULD CRUMBLE!
I do think some of my colleagues are worried; I also think some of them think I’m a lazy slacker. I wish I could hate them for that, but I can’t, I turn that hate inward. They have no idea how much I’m affected by others opinions, behaviour and problems.
What I want to tell them all
“I will tell you exactly what I think you need to know; everything else is personal, your concern does not help me, your behaviours harm me, stop asking me how I am, it fucks me off! Leave me alone, let me get through this, if I need your help I’ll ask for it, but for the love of Bob just back off!“
On a big plus note, Doctor Who is back. It may sound strange to some but Doctor Who brings me the greatest feeling of joy. It saved me once before, I was ready to give up and it came back into my life just when I needed it, I needed to watch it all, and that gave me hope. This time it’s not that serious, but I’ll be damned if cancer is going to kill me before I see the last episode of this season. Go team Jodie!