I’m struggling to write this post, I just don’t have the emotional energy, but I’m forcing myself.
I had a few bad days last week, I assumed it was ‘just a blip’, they happy, and that’s OK. I can deal with that.
But, the last few days have been hard work. I went home to see my folks and realised that I was in quite a dangerous place.
Once I got home after celebrating my mums birthday, I went straight to bed, and have hardly left it since. The +ve thoughts have taken over.
I blame the lack of contact after the cancer referral. I can’t currently see a +ve future, my body keeps letting me down. I start to recover, and something else comes along. It hardly seems worth the bother of trying anymore.
Logically I know that this is just a step in the journey, but its hard. I don’t think the people I work with understand how much I have to deal with. They often ask, “Are you feeling better”, well guys & gals, I will never “feel better”, I will just have better and worse days. It’s a continuum.
I’m off to see my therapist tonight, I’m hoping he can help me break the cycle, and I can have 5 minutes without my inner voice driving me crazy.