Not one of the good days

Today is not one of the good days. I’ve been fighting my depression all weekend since I had a run in with British Telecom who failed to deliver my new broadband connection, and now are fart-arsing me around.

Today started off OK, I got up, followed my daily routine and headed to work. As soon as I left the flat, I could feel my anxious mind kicking in. Would the work I asked to be completed by this morning be done, would the day be ok, would I burst into tears when I got into the office… All the usual nasty little thoughts that chip away at my conscious mind.

Well, those negative thought patterns were re-enforced when a team that was meant to have delivered me something this morning didn’t and didn’t seem to this it was an issue. Well, guys, the demo, where I have to represent the company is tomorrow, and I’m the one who will get the blame if it doesn’t go well.

I feel like I’m the glue holding things together, that if I let my foot off the peddle for five mins, everything falls apart.

By the end of today, when I left the office I was convinced that by the time I got home, I’d be in tears. I seem to be the only person that has any sense of responsibility and free thought; the teams seem to need spoon feeding. They’re intelligent people, and yet they behave like fools.

This all just adds to my depressive patterns, I’ve wandered through some of my darker places, and, logically I know things are ok. But that won’t stop me thinking about going to the office in the morning, breaking down and telling people I give up… they win… I can’t deal with it.

I would like one day to be able to be as direct with people in real-life as I am in my mind. Telling them how let down I feel, and that “No, I’m not repeating what I’ve already explained to you very clearly two times now”.

ARGH… Not good.

However, come this time tomorrow, the demo will be done, I will still be alive, and hopefully, I can move on from some of these thoughts. I don’t want to get back into full-on negative thought patterns.

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