Confused & Conflicted

Why am I confused and why am I so conflicted? When I had to move home to my folks this year I decided that once I had a place of my own, and my life going in the right direction that I would spend one weekend a month with the family. So I decided that I’d come ‘home’ straight after work and then travel back to London and straight into work on the following Monday morning.

This weekend is my first weekend of doing so, and while I feel so much more relaxed, and am being looked after well. I feel confused and conflicted. Part of me is craving being in my space and is making me feel guilty for wanting to be spending time on my own in my flat. However, I then start to remember that if I were, I’d be wanting to be social.

Why is it when you’re dealing with depression and anxiety, you always have to crave the situation that you’re not in. Why should I feel like I’ll be exhausted all week just because I’m relaxing at home with my family?

I am confident that when I get home on Monday night, I will be tired, but that’s always going to be the case. I’m sure that I’ll want to have a quiet night in, that’s also always the case on a Monday.

So what am I stressing about? Well, that’s the thing with anxiety, I’m stressing about everything. Stressing about being stressed, or stressing about not being stressed, or stressing that I might be stressed sometime in the future. Anxiety is all stress, always. Anxiety & depression are what makes me tired, not the things I’m doing.

In anticipation for feeling stressed that I’m with my family I have already booked my next visit, so I am ‘forced’ to come back, doing so reduces the pressure on me to book my next visit. Once I get used to the routine of coming back once a month, I won’t feel so confused.

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